Anger - Part 5.........Summary..............

[BarbaraTherese]

http://www.guidetopsychology.com/anger.htm

Summary

Remember that anger, being an emotion, is not something you can ever “get rid of.” As long as you are alive there will be times when you are insulted and feel hurt. And, as long as there are times when you feel hurt, you will be pulled down into unconscious fantasies of revenge.

But once you notice that you feel hurt you have a choice. You don’t have to accept blindly the unconscious slide into revenge.

On the one hand, you don’t have to “get angry.” That is, you don’t have to become abusive or violent. If you tell yourself, “Yes, I hurt. But it is not so much another person as human nature itself hurting me, and there’s nothing I can do about it, except refuse to return hurt for hurt, sin for sin,” then you can feel compassion for the person who hurt you, and you can be forgiving.

 Violence, after all, is nothing more than a fear of love. And when you fear love, where do you turn? To pride. The pride of your own self-defense.

There’s a great secret here that philosophers have known for ages. And it’s a secret only because it’s so obvious that no one bothers to notice it. Consider the nature of water, a weak and lowly substance that flows freely around all obstacles. If you live a life of the same “humility” as water, even the jaws of hell cannot bite into you. But the more solid you become in the pride of your own strength to avenge yourself against insult, the more those jaws have to grasp onto—and once they have you, you can’t fight free, no matter how many bandoliers you have draped over your shoulders.

So the more you let go of your “identity”—the more you die to yourself in perfect humility—the less you have to defend; and the less you have to defend, the less reason you have for anger.
 


On the other hand, all of this does not preclude the possibility that there may be times when you have to stand up—to defend yourself or to defend others—and say something about the ugliness that everyone wants to ignore or deny. To be quiet—to stifle your feeling offended—is also a fear of love and a slide into revenge.

 In these situations—whether in your family, among friends, or at work—when you experience feelings about anything, you need only express those feelings openly.

The key to all this, however, is that you speak up as soon as you feel the first inkling of injury—and this means that you have to be very good at recognizing the feeling of hurt in the first place. You must speak up well before the hurt turns to anger and has a chance to build into anything destructive.

Just learn to speak your inner experience honestly in the moment. You don’t have to understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling in the moment; just communicate what you’re feeling.

Most persons do not like to hear the “truth” about themselves, so a lot of anger can come back at you for being blunt and honest, and you might feel the urge to back down.

But in keeping your mouth shut you will be trapped in the vindictive satisfaction of watching others suffer in their own sins. So, if you resist the pull to shrink back, then you will find freedom. You will discover a part of yourself which you can trust to guide you through disputes without injuring yourself or others—because you will be motivated not with unconscious anger and revenge to defend your identity but with love for the good of others.

When you do speak up, keep in mind an important psychological-social fact: You cannot control the behavior of others. So, whenever you say something, ask yourself what you want to happen as a result. If your answer is anything like, “I want you to . . .” then you probably have the wrong motive. But if your answer is more like, “I just want to clear my conscience and offer the opportunity to heal this relationship. What you do thereafter is up to you,” then you are probably on the right track.

Lest all of this seem too difficult and threatening, just remember that in really loving families all that good-natured bantering and humor is really nothing more than a way to release feelings of slight and injury. Gentle humor—in contrast to biting sarcasm—can, after all, work wonders.
 


So there you have it. Someone insults you, you feel the pain, you speak up if necessary, and you forgive. Still, after all this, you might be feeling some lingering emotional arousal. What do you do? Just let that last bit of hurt melt into deep sorrow for the entire world.

Finally, note that even though you can be forgiving about hurts and insults, this does not automatically mean that you are also reconciled with the person who hurt you. Reconciliation requires that the other person (a) recognize the very real injury inflicted on you and consequently (b) repent that injury and make reparation to you. 

 The religious concept of “praying for your enemies” can therefore be expressed psychologically as simply hoping that the person who injured you will ultimately recognize his or her destructive behavior and repent it—as opposed to your wishing for that person’s destruction. St. Teresa of Avila once had a vision of hell; the place was so horrifying, she said, that she wouldn’t wish it on her worst enemies.[4] Think about that.
 

[ncjohn]

Hi Barb,
This final section really brought some things to clarity with regard to my specific situation. Of course, since for me this has been my "worst case" scenario, all the rest of it becomes much more easily usable under more normal circumstances.
First we have this statement:

On the other hand, all of this does not preclude the possibility that there may be times when you have to stand up—to defend yourself or to defend others—and say something about the ugliness that everyone wants to ignore or deny. To be quiet—to stifle your feeling offended—is also a fear of love and a slide into revenge.

This basically confirms that I should not just be sitting idly "sucking it up" and being the victim. In order to help bring the situation to resolution, it has to be addressed.

How is this to be done though?

The key to all this, however, is that you speak up as soon as you feel the first inkling of injury—and this means that you have to be very good at recognizing the feeling of hurt in the first place. You must speak up well before the hurt turns to anger and has a chance to build into anything destructive.

Just learn to speak your inner experience honestly in the moment. You don’t have to understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling in the moment; just communicate what you’re feeling.

I have done this on numerous occasions. I have also unfortunately had occasions where I just "had enough" and poked back, which of course ends up being counter-productive.

The "aha moment" of this whole thing for me came together here though:

Most persons do not like to hear the “truth” about themselves, so a lot of anger can come back at you for being blunt and honest, and you might feel the urge to back down.

There really should be no big surprise here, but the realization of how this was working was a revelation. Any time I have brought up the problem or responded negatively myself, the immediate reaction from the other side was to go crying to one of their superiors and make me into an ogre. I would then hear from the superior about how I needed to stop picking on her. When I would explain the situation, I'd get a bunch of condescending crap about how I needed to just be the "bigger man". But no one was doing anything with her but affirming her victim status and enabling her to go on feeling victimized without being confronted with her part in the whole thing. As such, there is quite possibly total denial or oblivion on her part of even being part of the problem.

So we end up with this situation.....

Finally, note that even though you can be forgiving about hurts and insults, this does not automatically mean that you are also reconciled with the person who hurt you. Reconciliation requires that the other person (a) recognize the very real injury inflicted on you and consequently (b) repent that injury and make reparation to you.

Since the other person seems not to recognize the problem, the likelihood of repenting is slim to none. Which thus leaves only:

The religious concept of “praying for your enemies” can therefore be expressed psychologically as simply hoping that the person who injured you will ultimately recognize his or her destructive behavior and repent it—as opposed to your wishing for that person’s destruction.

Having done everything else I can do, I have prayer left. And the ability to ask you to join your prayers with mine.    

Thanks for these little sessions of group therapy Barb. I may not be "healed" yet, at least for this circumstance, but I know where I'm at and I think I may be able to deal with it better thanks to all of this.

Peace,
John

[Alan]

I have also unfortunately had occasions where I just "had enough" and poked back, which of course ends up being counter-productive.

John, you have probably noticed the recent changes in my "sense of humor" when, in fact, to me there is nothing funny about it at all, but is simply what happens when I try to let go.

On these times it went too far, I am convinced under the teachings of Fr. Sherlock (the same one who told me I musn't speak of the kingdom coming) that you will be protected if you have an honest heart.

When people take your comments "to heart" that indicates they have let down their guard, a sign of trust.  If you poke them, they may get tickled, or they may cry out in pain as with embarrassment to have their open wounds discovered ... and if a person can read hearts, these wounds are somehow apparent and work themselves into the way the person hears you.

If we are "serious" then we are resistant to change.  If we are pliable then we can honestly allow our minds to express their questions or confess the answers without fear.  I am writing all this in response to "counter productive" which is not necessarily bad.  It could be a carpenter recently replaced my counter, which in fact did occur.

Oh, btw regarding the "lady selling blinds" we do expect to hear from her in the next couple days.  Regarding the "blind lady" whom I said called to help us decorate the tree, I saw her at Mass and called her on it, remembering also the time she called me to say she'd heard me on the TV news.  I "accidentally" said, "Vicki, that was so interesting because most people call to tell me they'd seen me on the news."  It was out before I could take it back.  Within the next couple minutes she gave St. Julie (you have talked to her) a huge hug, and her husband and son were both glowing with pride for her as I told her how much her theological and musical abilities have done for me.  I told some of it to the men, as she was busily gabbing with my wife.

Sometimes those errors are the best parts.  Other times "some" people involved just haven't realized ... these people have "another thing coming," whatever that means!

Alan

[BarbaraTherese]

Quoting John:

This final section really brought some things to clarity with regard to my specific situation. Of course, since for me this has been my "worst case" scenario, all the rest of it becomes much more easily usable under more normal circumstances.

The topic we have dealt with "Anger" has been a revision for me or a renewal.  Tho I fell into it accidentally, my training as a counsellor I soon came to realize gave me real insights into spirituality also.  I guess during that time I started to realize that psychology could offer insight into spiritual values.  Be all that as it may, it seems to me that human nature does not learn a lesson once and for all time, or rarely so..........rather a need constantly to renew......renewal.  It also                                               seems to me that given a victory I tend to be convinced that at last I have this thing mastered...........until a point where something crops up and I realize I have not mastered it at all.  Our humanity invariably falls under the umbrella of sinner and once I take that to heart and internalize it failure is no longer a surprise........rather indeed success.  The truly wonderful thing about this status of sinner is that it is an invitation to humility and perhaps the only invitation resulting from sinfulness that actually leads to any sort of humility in truth.  Another paradox of the spiritual life.  Oh my hapless happy sinfulness!  or........"Oh happy fault" to echo St. Paul.  Paul is speaking of the sin of our first parents which lead to The INcarnation.  I am speaking of my sinfulness faults and failings which can lead to real humility.  Were I free of sins etc. doubtless I would be wallowing in pride.

Quoting Summary of Anger:
On the other hand, all of this does not preclude the possibility that there may be times when you have to stand up—to defend yourself or to defend others—and say something about the ugliness that everyone wants to ignore or deny. To be quiet—to stifle your feeling offended—is also a fear of love and a slide into revenge.

Quoting John: This basically confirms that I should not just be sitting idly "sucking it up" and being the victim. In order to help bring the situation to resolution, it has to be addressed.

Here is that balancing act you mentioned in other Posts.   At times I accept the criticism of others and at other times I refuse to be the victim in the situation and speak up.  The decision or way to go, accept or be defensive, does not have one hard and fast rule, rather flows from our own interior and the choice we make has our own reasons based on prayful musing and as such if peaceful and calm certainly has the guarantee of responding to The Holy Spirit while nevertheless accepting our own responsibility and accountability in the situation.  If I discover at some future point that though preceded by prayerful calm and gentle ponderings prayfully, I perhaps made a 'wrong' choice...........wrong! the situation simply asks for a new response.  Often perhaps the way God acts in and through us is quite confusing..........yet His Action nevertheless and all worthy of praise.

Quoting John:
How is this to be done though?Quoting Summary of Anger:The key to all this, however, is that you speak up as soon as you feel the first inkling of injury—and this means that you have to be very good at recognizing the feeling of hurt in the first place. You must speak up well before the hurt turns to anger and has a chance to build into anything destructive.

Just learn to speak your inner experience honestly in the moment. You don’t have to understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling in the moment; just communicate what you’re feeling.

QuotingJohn:  I have done this on numerous occasions. I have also unfortunately had occasions where I just "had enough" and poked back, which of course ends up being counter-productive.

First, how is this done?  A situation comes along and I am angry.  I simply say to the other..........and I am angry.   But here is a risk.  The other may quietly accept my anger.........or may become angry too.  Whichever is the outcome of me simply stating my anger I need to deal with as a new aspect of the situation.  Situations of conflict or any situation cannot be manipulated in intimacy, nor outcomes known which is an attempt to manipulate.  Every response I make to the situation will in some way change the situation itself dependant on the response of the other, which is the risk and the unknown.
A situation, any situation, unfolds in the unknown..........it unfolds and changes as it unfolds very often perhaps.  Tho there are those situations that unfold happily from one's perspectives...........but not necessarily so.  Either way I praise God!

Ok, getting fed up and expressing anger, whatever, within the situation is ok providing of course our anger is not 'overboard'.............post anger, I find out it was counter productive.  Was my being fed up and responding with anger wrong then.............no!  The situation reveals my anger was counter productive and I merely make a new decision in the interest of productive.  God's Will is very rarely (contrary to human will) one fixed matter to the exclusion of all else.........God allows in His Will freedom of the individual.   God's Will of course never wills a 'wrong' but His Permissive Will may allow a 'wrong' for His Own Reasons.  Theology states that God's Will is at times expressed in what he permits or a 'wrong' He permits.  Theology also states that God Permits 'evil' or wrong because He can bring a greater good out of that wrong etc. than the wrong itself intrinsically.

The "aha moment" of this whole thing for me came together here though:
Quoting Summary of Anger: Most persons do not like to hear the “truth” about themselves, so a lot of anger can come back at you for being blunt and honest, and you might feel the urge to back down.
Quoting John: There really should be no big surprise here, but the realization of how this was working was a revelation. Any time I have brought up the problem or responded negatively myself, the immediate reaction from the other side was to go crying to one of their superiors and make me into an ogre. I would then hear from the superior about how I needed to stop picking on her. When I would explain the situation, I'd get a bunch of condescending crap about how I needed to just be the "bigger man". But no one was doing anything with her but affirming her victim status and enabling her to go on feeling victimized without being confronted with her part in the whole thing. As such, there is quite possibly total denial or oblivion on her part of even being part of the problem.

Very often in a situation we make a response to it with the outcome tucked away as the anticipated.  Reality is any response we make to a situation can have any outcome at all which we cannot know hence aticipated outcome is unrealistic really.   Hence we make a response to a situation and then needs deal with whatever outcome reality presents and hopefully still a positive contribution to the situation itself.
In dealing with any sort of authority or superior, I have the right to state:  I hear what you are saying but I totally disagree.  I can also choose to add, but I will obey, tho I do disagree totally with your conclusion etc. etc. Whatever response seems the way to go.  I also have the right to say, I totally disagree with you and have no intention of being the victim  in the situation.  This invites a response from the authority concerned...........and dependant on that response the situation is continuing to unfold in ongoing dialogue.  Hope you can make sense of that John.

So we end up with this situation.....Quoting Summary of Anger: Finally, note that even though you can be forgiving about hurts and insults, this does not automatically mean that you are also reconciled with the person who hurt you. Reconciliation requires that the other person (a) recognize the very real injury inflicted on you and consequently (b) repent that injury and make reparation to you.

Since the other person seems not to recognize the problem, the likelihood of repenting is slim to none. Which thus leaves only:

The religious concept of “praying for your enemies” can therefore be expressed psychologically as simply hoping that the person who injured you will ultimately recognize his or her destructive behavior and repent it—as opposed to your wishing for that person’s destruction.
Quoting John: Having done everything else I can do, I have prayer left. And the ability to ask you to join your prayers with mine.    

Over and above any contribution positive or negative we make to a situation, prayer is our most powerful response........tho it is a hidden worker.  "All things work together for those that love God" and so when things do not turn out as I wish or hoped for, I still praise God for His Permissive Will, which WILL bring about a greater good than the negatives the situation has fallen into............while I still work humanly to bring about a positive conclusion with God's Help - and resigned to the outcome.



Regards my friend..............Barb

Thanks for these little sessions of group therapy Barb. I may not be "healed" yet, at least for this circumstance, but I know where I'm at and I think I may be able to deal with it better thanks to all of this.

My prayer for you in the situation you are dealing with have been there all along John and will continue.  Our exchanges are always theraputic, enlightening, affirming and at times challenging to me.............all positive factors!   I enjoy our exchanges not directly looking for challenge or affirmation..............either is the great part about our exchanges because in hashing things out I know I have a better chance of hopefully arriving at the truth of matters.

[Alan]

Looking back on some of these old threads, I am surprised at some of the things I said; not that I shouldn't have said them, but since I wrote these in the height of my mania I've actually forgotten not only the things I (and others) said or did.  It almost seems I wrote "better" during my mania than I do now; if I could have back the energy of mania that would be totally sweet -- without getting myself into trouble with my loose connections, etc.  Personally I think what many probably call "loose connections" are often very suitable insights into other views than the predominant one -- they may be "valid" or "crazy" but always when I am in this state, I was unstoppable in my apparent freedom to think and speak what I want and believe.  Even the time when the hospital (I visited a bunch while manic -- trying to heal people and especially nuns) and was taken out by security three times in two days and then by the Wichita Police.  Ha ha what a rush when they called the police on me and we were waiting in security HQ with all the tv's and stuff, the police showed up and one says, "I know this guy.  He's a member of All Saints [right next door to the hospital -- we even share one parking lot] and I know his wife and kids and they are all OK.  As a result I did not get into any *actual* trouble.

Can you see why, when I was manic, things just seemed to "flow" -- yeah, stuff and coincidences were happening almost on an hourly basis or even faster.    (Example: when they police and security quit playing word games like the idiot nun that runs the place saying "I think we need some time" which to her meant always but to me meant maybe a couple hours!    Really, though, I didn't understand her doublespeak until the cops and guards put it into words I could understand, "you are not wanted on this property until you are a patient yourself."  That's when I declared that "my work is done here" and moved on ... so right when I got off hospital property there was an injury car accident right there in the street, so I knew my "work" was to help there.  That, and just a couple days before I came upon an accident scene with a little kid whose parents just got taken away in unconscious state, and another "bystander" and I entertained, comforted, and listened to that little kid and he got along well and this allowed the police to do what they had to do, while we waited for the kid's uncle to show up.  The police did check on him from time to time and gave the kid and his brother stickers shaped like little police badges.  When the kid got the sticker, he took it off and gave it to me!  Yes, I was a horrible person those days and needed to be locked up -- NOT.

I would not hesitate to go into that hospital, because they did tell me "until you are a patient" and yes, last year I WAS a patient there because I had blood clots in my legs.

These sorts of "coincidents" were happening actually several times per day ... made me feel at peace as I went around stirring things up.  Quite a few parishioners told me that I gave them much insight on Christianity (even while they were preparing for a Bible study class they run) so I really thought I was doing God's work.

Also I miss having some of these lessons we used to have ... half the time since we did it I've been in depressed mode and couldn't even get myself to log onto WF much less participate.

Hmmmm... I haven't thought of it lately, but maybe I am actually doing God's work.  Who says He wasn't using me as an instrument of faith? 

I also decided that the nun running the joint was a buffoon who talked in riddles and called her big security men rather than talk to me face to face -- like I was going to get violent or something.  Well, if that didn't confuse me and/or piss me off it was because I knew I was honestly doing what she said I should do -- NOT attempting in any way to go against authority.  I'm finally getting the point that authority figures can be idiots and fools with big guns and big friends.  ...  ...    

Wow.  What a bunch of "stuff" I wrote just now.  I forgot my point from when I started the post, other than to say I miss some of our WF "sessions."  Also, I wonder how Barb is getting along.  Thank you for all who participated in the WF experiment; IMO it has done well and still has a potential to grow if need be. 

Alan

PS a few months ago I couldn't even read anything as long as this post, but here I am once again raising the noise level by making it.  In summary, I miss some of the conversations about mental illness and religion -- maybe I don't need them as much as before, but yes I just might go through some old threads and read them; I'm sure WF has been a significant factor in my getting this far and this well.  (however well that is, I don't know on an absolute scale -- just going by feelings and reactions to me by other people  )