Tactics of complimenting

[Alan]

Once I told a famous musician that I thought his performance was "excellent."  Then I got to thinking about something.

Once, years before that, I had played particularly poorly for a (paid) wedding.  After the wedding people came up and told me how well I played.  Anyone with musical knowledge knew how badly and obviously I had flubbed, so these people didn't.  It bothered me, until I was able to reword what they said in my own mind, to my own preference.  How I prefer it when someone comes up and says, "I loved your music."  Then they can be honest without it sounding like they are in a position to rate my performance.

So now, when I tell someone I like their work, I stay out of their expertise.  Examples:

I loved your singing.
Your story brought back fond memories for me.
I totally enjoyed that cake.  (Not, that was really great cake.)

Anyway, it sounds like a nit pick, but I try to be as perfect as possible, and this is a simple thing I can do to keep from embarrassing, offending, or otherwise annoying a professional.

Here's another thing I found that I started doing in CA threads; I'd pick nits with someone and build tension, until they finally say something that I can agree on, and I can compliment them on and it actually means something.  Anyone reading the threads knows I'm not going to give up a compliment easily, so this way I up the effectiveness (so I think anyway) of my own compliments.  Contrast that with just being the 87th person to enter a thread and say "bravo" without any sort of qualification.

Any other thoughts on complimenting?  Strategies, cautions, whatever?  Thoughts about my thoughts?

Alan

[Alan]

I guess in the name of personal growth, I am trying to shift the focus of my arguments.  Rather than be right, or expose the others' faulty thinking, the goal is now to target objectionable posts, and find a way to compliment the person who wrote it.  That may mean taking a contrary position until he digs in his heels and finds something he can stand on that actually makes sense.  Then I have it; I can gush about how insightful the person is.

Is this evil?  Arguing for the sake of "kissing" and making up?  What are other good motivators to argue?

Alan

[ncjohn]

I agree totally with that approach Alan. In my years of coaching I learned the hard way that telling someone they did a good job when they knew they didn't was counter-productive. I also ran into that with my daughter in her ballet recitals when I would often think she did a wonderful job while she knew about little technical things I would never notice. I learned from those experiences to do exactly what you address and comment about how it affected me rather than the technical expertise involved.

I recently watched the youtube video of one of our engineer's sons playing the Pathetique sonata at a recital. He lost his way a few times but I still loved watching it. When I say the young man I was able to tell him truthfully how much I enjoyed it even though I recognized that he had lost his way a couple times and that he was probably not pleased with it and had probably played it much better on many other occasions. I think he appreciated that someone could still enjoy it without lying to him about the whole thing.

[Alan]

John,

Speaking of imperfect performances, I've pointed to a couple of my youtubes before, but you can see all of them by searching youtube for my account name "aesiegman"  My favorite thing, though I don't play it well, is the Mozart variations.

BTW, I've been practicing the third movement of the Pathetique; when I get it in good shape I'll upload it to youtube.

Alan

[ncjohn]

I'll take a look when I have some time.

The Pathetique is one of my all-time favorites. I figured out very early on though that after the initial 15 seconds or so that it is way beyond my paygrade.    I'm just not skilled enough or willing to work hard enough to get there so I'll enjoy listening to those who can.

[jsiegman]

Alan,

I've said it before and I guess Iam about to say it again.

There is good in everyone --- even if they are a perfect example of what not to do.

JKS

[Lana]

Indeed, there are lessons in everyone and everywhere you go.
It is in it you can find the lesson, and use it internally.

But i like the way YOU said it!

Lana

[ncjohn]

There is good in everyone --- even if they are a perfect example of what not to do.

JKS

ROFLMAO

Oh....wait.....that would probably be ME!!

 

[jsiegman]

I am glad you enjoyed my little phrase. I have several pearls that folks have enjoyed over the years. My favorite, probably, was when Pastor Beutler was helping me through some personal problems and he commented that he really like the way I was able to let go of my feelings towards those who transgress against us. (aside - seems to me i recall something in the Our father about doing that), He asked why I was able to forgive and forget things so eaily. He so enjoyed my response that he asked my persmission to write a sermon about it for an upcoming service.

I told him that I forgave and forgot most things that people did to insult or injure me for one simple reason. It takes a lot of energy and work to stay mad at someone for very long and I was just too damned lazy to exert that much effort.

JKS

[Alan]

I told him that I forgave and forgot most things that people did to insult or injure me for one simple reason. It takes a lot of energy and work to stay mad at someone for very long and I was just too damned lazy to exert that much effort.

Yeah.  I hear all the time, "so and so doesn't deserve forgiveness."  I don't forgive because others deserve it.  I forgive because it is good for ME.

Gosh, if I only forgave those who didn't deserve it, I'd have a lot of grudges.  In fact, maybe I actually do.   

Alan