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Author Topic: A laugh a day helps  (Read 36606 times)
reen
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« on: October 28, 2009, 02:16:44 PM »

Bumper stickers

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

 
And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?
I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
Don't start with me you won't win!


Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE
Honk If Anything Falls Off


If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 
 
And some favorites, from past lists:

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
How about never? is never good for you?
I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want?


And my favorite -

Do they ever shut up on your planet?


reens


« Last Edit: October 28, 2009, 02:18:37 PM by reen » Logged

"I took a walk on a cold winter's day."
                       California Dreamin'
Alan
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piggysiggy
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« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2009, 04:16:41 PM »

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

 Grin
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reen
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« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2009, 09:33:33 PM »



 Grin


reen

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ncjohn
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2009, 10:22:58 AM »

My favorittes:

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

Another favorite of mine:
There are two sides to every question but I don't have time to listen to yours.

 
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
ncjohn
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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2009, 10:27:56 AM »

Probably the best joke I've heard lately:

After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.


The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150 for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class and said: "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150?"


The professor replied: "I gave you 50 points for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50 for perfectly reassembling the engine and I gave you an additional 50 for doing it all through the muffler."

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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
reen
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2009, 12:19:01 PM »

quote: ncjohn
Another favorite of mine:
There are two sides to every question but I don't have time to listen to yours.


Yessss!! 



reen
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Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2009, 09:54:28 PM »

The professor replied: "I gave you 50 points for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50 for perfectly reassembling the engine and I gave you an additional 50 for doing it all through the muffler."

OMG...that was halarious!!!
And i am in a stinking mood and still laughed!

Lana

 

 
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jsiegman
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« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2009, 09:29:27 AM »

What do you call a Rastafarian phlebotomist?


Scroll down...
...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
He's a pokemon.
...
...
<insert groan here>
...
...

JKS



edited to fix spelling error - oops



« Last Edit: October 30, 2009, 10:03:39 PM by jsiegman » Logged
Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2009, 02:24:36 PM »

...sigh...You have got to be kidding!!!

Assholio is my word of the day...

Definition: Sheesh, i can not say really...
but i have named my husband this....

Bad day...or week ahead...maybe even life!!

Lana
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ncjohn
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« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2010, 11:24:38 AM »

One that came through in my email yesterday while I was out having things checked out through my tailpipe.....   Grin




An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest
cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a  very long time since I've been
to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
jsiegman
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« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2010, 09:41:20 AM »

ROFLMAO


JKS
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Alan
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« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2010, 06:49:25 AM »

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

Later, a police officer came in for a haircut and, when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The officer was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

A Congressman came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

(Courtesy a poster from the blog on our newspaper web site.)
« Last Edit: March 30, 2010, 02:35:43 PM by Alan » Logged

... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.
jsiegman
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« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2010, 11:11:37 AM »

Leave it to Alan to come up with a funny one that really zings the politicians.

Of course, they asked for it.


JKS
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jsiegman
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« Reply #13 on: April 09, 2010, 10:41:07 PM »

from Jay Leno's monologue

Jay:  Our kids are terribly obese. They are so fat these days.

Kevin: How fat are they

Jay:

There was one kid so fat he was being home schooled and still complained about classroom overcrowding.

One kid hurt himself trying to eat the cookies on his computer.

One kid was crying -- his hula hoop was too tight.

---------------------

there were more but I liked those best.

JKS
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jsiegman
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« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2010, 09:02:53 AM »

We haven't had a laugh in a while. How about this one ?

From my e-mail (sent to me by a woman)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
  morning; it's a bad one.   Both of their cars are totally demolished but
  amazingly neither of them are hurt.  God works in mysterious ways.
 
 
  After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
  drivers.   The woman says, "So, you're a man.  That's interesting. I'm a
  woman.  Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
  unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live
  in peace for the rest of our days".
 
  Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
  sign from God!"   But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed
  to drive
 
  The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.   My car
  is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.   Surely
  God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
 
  She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens
  it and drinks half the bottle before handing it back to the woman.
 
  The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap on again and hands it back to the
  man.
 
 
  The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
 
  The woman replies,  "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
 
 
  MORAL OF THE STORY:
  *
  *
  *
  *
  *
  Women are clever, evil bitches.     Don't mess with us.
 
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ncjohn
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« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2010, 01:22:39 PM »

Ok, once again I didn't see that one coming.

It must be because all the women I've met have been angels from heaven.......

 
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This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
reen
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« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2010, 11:47:47 PM »

Happily, I did see that coming.  Grin

 Roll Eyes

Must be that women's intuition thing.  Tongue


anon. on the shores of the Hudson
 

 
 
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ncjohn
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« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2010, 12:13:33 PM »

Ted, a wealthy 70-year-old widower, shows up at a bar with a stunning 25-year-old blonde on his arm. The woman has the body of a model, has her arms endearingly locked around Ted’s torso and focuses intently on every syllable he utters.

Naturally, his friends at the bar are stunned. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask: "Ted, come on, where'd you get such a beautiful babe for a girlfriend?"

Ted replies: "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

Now they're completely knocked over. They continue their questioning: "Alright, how'd you get her to marry you?"

"Well, I lied about my age," Ted admits.

"How old did you say you were? 50?"

Ted smiles and says, "Nope! I told her I was 95!”
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
ncjohn
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« Reply #18 on: May 27, 2010, 09:41:45 AM »

A man walks into a dentist's office and says: "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies: "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist."

The man replies: "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist says: "Well then, what are you doing here?"

The man says: "Your light was on."
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
reen
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« Reply #19 on: May 28, 2010, 09:24:02 PM »

A man walks into a dentist's office and says: "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies: "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist."

The man replies: "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist says: "Well then, what are you doing here?"

The man says: "Your light was on."


 Grin


reen
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jsiegman
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« Reply #20 on: September 21, 2010, 04:22:29 PM »

Here's a cute one.


What did the Mexican Fire Department Chief name his two sons?

highlight to see the answer
----->Jose --- and jose-B (pronounce Hose-A and Hose-B) <-----

JKS
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Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #21 on: September 22, 2010, 06:09:28 AM »

lol...that was cute...

BTW, i like how you make the answer invisible!

Lana
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ncjohn
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« Reply #22 on: September 23, 2010, 11:46:04 AM »

Q. How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?


A. Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.
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This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
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« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2010, 10:19:14 AM »

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again tells him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This won't work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what - I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has fainted and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing just fine until you came out on the balcony with the Pope and the man next to me pointed up and said, "Hey, who's that guy with the funny hat up there on the balcony with Bubba?"
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jsiegman
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« Reply #24 on: September 29, 2010, 02:23:33 AM »

Thanks, joy. An oldie but a goodie and well worth hearing again since I had forgotten the punch line.

JKS
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