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Author Topic: Puns  (Read 41962 times)
ncjohn
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« on: January 03, 2007, 04:22:25 PM »

Herre is a group of puns--some better than others--that my daughter sent me by email today.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says

"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says
"Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes
to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds:

"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

 
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2007, 08:05:59 PM »

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.
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reen
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« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2007, 08:59:52 PM »


quote: peace seeker
Quote
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.

 Smiley


I'm glad to see a post from you, peace seeker.  There have been any number of new posters and I was
getting confused.  Then, as I recall, you posted, by continuring the rosary, but I don't recall
seeing you post after that.  So, in any case, I'm glad that you've had an opportunity to
post once more. Welcome to Words Free and I know that we all look forward to you having
further opportunity to post.


reen

 
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« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2007, 09:04:15 PM »

Thank you Reen. I have to share a computer so I don't get on very much.

I'll try to stop by once in a while when I can. There seems to be a good selection of stuff to think about here.
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reen
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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2007, 09:05:59 PM »


quote: ncjohn
Quote
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Pretty good.


reen


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ncjohn
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« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2007, 09:29:07 PM »

My personal favorite, at least from that bunch:

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
 
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This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2007, 09:41:55 PM »


quote: ncjohn
Quote
My personal favorite, at least from that bunch:

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Well, it was a toss up, between that one and the chess-nuts in the foyer - which, as
a play on words, was really good I thought.  But, yes, the carrion was a definite laugh.
[Even 16 laughed despite herself.]


reen

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ncjohn
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« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2007, 09:45:32 PM »

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 
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This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
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« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2007, 10:33:34 PM »


quote: peace seeker
Quote
Thank you Reen. I have to share a computer so I don't get on very much.

I'll try to stop by once in a while when I can. There seems to be a good selection of stuff to think about here.


You're welcome.  Smiley  Yes, I think that there is a wide array of thought and reflection, on
any number of topics.  I am in the hope that, if you read a given post, and have a thought
on what has been said, that you will feel comfortable and at home enough, to share your
own thoughts.

reen


 
 


reen


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jsiegman
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« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2007, 12:01:00 AM »

Thank you Reen. I have to share a computer so I don't get on very much.

I'll try to stop by once in a while when I can. There seems to be a good selection of stuff to think about here.

Frequency is not a requirement. Even if you only drop in once a week or so, we hope the enjoy whatever commentary you may offer.

There is not only a good selection of stuff to think about, there is also a good collection of stuff to ignore too. We like to provide something for everyone. <lol>

JKS
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ncjohn
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« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2007, 07:31:34 PM »

She was the apple of his eye and he liked to sit down be cider.
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
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« Reply #11 on: January 04, 2007, 08:22:45 PM »

I knew a guy that worked as a tourguide on a fishing boat. He was gifted with an uncanny ability to select lures that would catch fish any time, any day, any conditions. He was so good they made him a Master Baiter.

Oh my, did I say that? (If Officer Suzy must confiscate this message, I understand.)

JKS
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« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2007, 01:43:37 PM »

Q. What did one wall say to the other wall?
A. I'll meet you at the corner.

Q. Why could no one play cards on Noah's Ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck.

Q. What's the sharpest tool in the Bible?
A. The Ax of the Apostles.

Q. Why is an icy sidewalk musical?
A. Because if you don't C Sharp, you'll B Flat.
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Michael Welter
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« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2007, 07:33:57 PM »


From episode of the Avengers:  Parrot - referred to as a "paragon of parrots" - goes missing, and is then
referred to as:  "And now he's polygon."  Roll Eyes

I don't write um, I just report 'um.


reen 
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Michael Welter
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« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2007, 02:35:23 PM »

I don't write um, I just report 'um.
Of course, that makes you no less guilty.  Roll Eyes
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Michael Welter
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« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2007, 02:41:46 PM »


quote: Michael Welter
Quote
Of course, that makes you no less guilty.  Roll Eyes


 Grin

ooooo, I thought it was a great! line. I admit it.  And, in last night's episode, that Lou and I watched,
here's this nervous professor - a bird "expert" - with this little stuffed bird, on the top of his academic hat, and
the "bad guy" shoots at him, and blows the bird right off of the hat.  It was verrrry funny.  Grin
[I mean, as long as the bird was stuffed.  Roll Eyes]

Good to see you, Michael.  Smiley


reen
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ncjohn
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« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2007, 02:46:58 PM »

Gee, and I thought "shooting a bird" was always in bad taste.


 
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This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
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« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2007, 02:48:55 PM »

Personally, I think that any jokes about birds are rather fowl.
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Michael Welter
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« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2007, 03:00:05 PM »


quote: ncjohn
Quote
Gee, and I thought "shooting a bird" was always in bad taste.


Perfectly ree-volting!!!  Grin 


reen
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« Reply #19 on: January 17, 2007, 03:02:12 PM »



quote: Michael Welter
Quote
Personally, I think that any jokes about birds are rather fowl

Saaaay, that's pretty good.


Enjoys Puns, in NY  [Actually, I enjoy puns in New York, New England, Montreal... Roll Eyes ]
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« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2007, 03:47:24 PM »

Personally, I think that any jokes about birds are rather fowl.

Only if you're too "chicken" to tell 'em.

 
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This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
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« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2007, 04:56:42 PM »



quote: ncjohn
Quote
Only if you're too "chicken" to tell 'em.

 
         GAME   SET   MATCH [/size] [/color]   



Calls 'em As She Sees 'em, on the Hudson  Roll Eyes






 
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« Reply #22 on: January 18, 2007, 10:29:39 AM »

Personally, I think that any jokes about birds are rather fowl.

lol, very funny...Gald to see you back around Michael...

Lana
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ncjohn
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« Reply #23 on: January 18, 2007, 10:32:29 AM »


lol, very funny...Gald to see you back around Michael...

Lana

I guess Michael must have "fowled out" though and gone back to the bench.

 
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
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« Reply #24 on: January 18, 2007, 10:45:50 AM »

oooo, that was Punny!

Lana
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