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Author Topic: lawyer joke  (Read 29439 times)
ncjohn
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« on: October 05, 2006, 08:00:11 AM »

Having mentioned lawyers the other day, this joke hit me kind of funny so I thought I'd pass it on.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
jsiegman
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« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2006, 08:32:57 AM »

Here's an old college favorite, told to me by my roommate, who incidentally entered the work force with a degree in computer science with an accounting minor, a degree in law, and who passed his CPA exam and Bar exam. He was a lawyer, computer programmer, and an accountant.


The owner of a small company that was growing rapidly decided he needed to bring his professional services in house. He wanted to hire a lawyer, an accountant, and a computer programmer but he could not afford all three and so had to pick one. When he had narrowed his candidate list down to one member of each profession he brought the three candidates in for a final interview. He explained to them all he was going to ask them all the same question and whichever one answered it best would get the job.

He started with the accountant. He took him into  his office and asked, "How much is two plus two?"

The accountant said, "One minute...." grabbed his briefcase, opened it up, grabbed pencil, paper, and calculator and started a furious round or calculations and scribblings. After several minutes of this he looked up and said, "Sorry for the delay, but I wanted to verify my answer so I created a worksheet and I summed it, totalled it, cross-footed it, and I have verified my initial suspicions that two plus two is exactly four."

Then the businessman brought in the computer programmer. "How much is two plus two?"

The programmer says "one minute..." jumps up and heads down the hall. He comes back a few minutes later dragging a 20-page printout behind him. He said, "I didn't mean to take so long but I wanted to be sure I had it right. I wrote a program to calculate that out to over 200 decimal places and I can say with certainty that the answer is four."

The the businessman brought in the lawyer and asks, "How much is two plus two?

The lawyer looks terrorstricken. Then he runs to the door, shuts it and locks it. He runs to the window and closes the drapes. Then he turned down the lights, took the phone off the hook, and shuts off the intercom system. Then he leans over the desk and says in a whisper, "How much do you want it to be?"

JKS
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Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2006, 08:52:01 AM »

lol, you guys are on a roll this morning!!
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reen
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« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2006, 09:15:43 AM »



quote: ncjohn
Quote
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"



 Cheesy


oooooo, you baaaaaad.  Grin


reen

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Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2006, 09:50:18 AM »

whisper, "How much do you want it to be?"

 
That one almost sounds sinister. . .
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« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2006, 08:44:19 PM »

xD I like it. Both of them.
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jsiegman
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« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2006, 08:53:23 PM »

What do you call it when a busload of lawyers loses control and drives off a bridge?

A good start.

JKS
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Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2006, 10:18:07 PM »

ha, they never got the last word this time!
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ncjohn
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« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2006, 07:14:40 AM »

A cop is driving along a country road when he sees a farmer pushing dirt down into the ditch alongside the road. He stops and asks the farmer what he's doing and the farmer explains that a bus load of lawyers had crashed into the ditch.

The cop asks him "Were they all dead"?

The farmer says "A few of them said they weren't, but you know how those lawyers lie!"

 
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
jsiegman
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« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2006, 02:09:47 PM »

I was talking to a lawyer once and he gave me an insight on the way lawyers think.

He was doing something illegal, don't remember what, probably something like speeding or littering and I asked why he was doing that. Isn't it illegal to do that? He said, "not exactly. it is illegal to get CAUGHT doing that."

JKS
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reen
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« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2006, 02:32:30 PM »


quote: jsiegman
Quote
"not exactly. it is illegal to get CAUGHT doing that."


Reminds me of the mantra - that springs to mind - when I'm committing a smallish "no-no."

"I'm not sorry at all.  I'm only sorry I got caught."   Roll Eyes


I must remember to speak to my 16 year old, about this attitude.
Undecided


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[running into the pharmacy, without taking the time to put a quarter in the parking meter.]
 It's not the dumb quarter, it's digging one out and plunking it in the meter.  And while
 this is a smallish no-no, it is a no-no just the same.  Undecided

Occassional Baddie, in New York 




« Last Edit: October 06, 2006, 02:38:33 PM by reen » Logged

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jsiegman
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« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2006, 03:31:32 PM »

Not unlike the position that was taken by the church a couple decades ago.

It's only a sin if you feel like you did something wrong.

JKS
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Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2006, 08:11:25 PM »


quote: jsiegman
Quote
"not exactly. it is illegal to get CAUGHT doing that."


Reminds me of the mantra - that springs to mind - when I'm committing a smallish "no-no."

"I'm not sorry at all.  I'm only sorry I got caught."   Roll Eyes


I must remember to speak to my 16 year old, about this attitude.
Undecided


Parenting is Tough

[running into the pharmacy, without taking the time to put a quarter in the parking meter.]
 It's not the dumb quarter, it's digging one out and plunking it in the meter.  And while
 this is a smallish no-no, it is a no-no just the same.  Undecided

Occassional Baddie, in New York 

I tell you something, i had some real fun being able to use special parking for handicapped when my sister was visiting, she travels with her permit. very hard to not slip it out of her suitcase when she left...i had grow very comfortable with it handy.

Lana
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reen
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« Reply #13 on: October 07, 2006, 08:20:36 PM »


quote: LanasDawning
Quote
...i had grow very comfortable with it handy.

Lana


You are a good Lana, not to give in to that temptation.  Smiley   


reen
 
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Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #14 on: October 07, 2006, 08:53:04 PM »

Yes, as the truth is, she needed it for diasysis parking at the hospital...now you can see how only a thought of her walking farther made me slap my own hand!

Oh how we prayed for a kidney then...brother from Toronto donated one!

Lana
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reen
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« Reply #15 on: October 07, 2006, 08:57:38 PM »


quote: LanasDawning
Quote
...brother from Toronto donated one!

God bless his heart, always.


reen
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Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2006, 10:23:24 PM »

Yes, and it is just over a year, and she is just back to work now.....
« Last Edit: October 10, 2006, 12:35:18 PM by LanasDawning » Logged
ncjohn
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« Reply #17 on: October 10, 2006, 12:30:26 PM »

For those into the ridiculous when it comes to legal cases, here's the link to a legal humor piece about a woman filing suit against a company who sent her the cut-off leg of her deceased father.   http://www.acriminalwasteofspace.com/journal_beds.asp?blogID=19

To quote a little of it and give you an idea
Quote
Seems LaMara Lane opened what she thought was a food gift sent to her North Pole, Alaska, home and found instead . . . well, to use the scientific term, the fibula paterfamilias.

“How,” you’re probably asking yourself, “could something like this happen?” This, of course, is precisely the question Ms. Lane wants you to ask. On the football field of litigation, you’ve got a first and goal at the res ipsa loquitur one-yard line when people hear your facts and ask, “How could something like this happen?”

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This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #18 on: October 10, 2006, 12:42:32 PM »

A definite badly delivered parcel indeed!
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ncjohn
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« Reply #19 on: November 06, 2006, 08:01:18 PM »

Not a lawyer joke, but somewhat cute.....

A blonde farmer is standing out in the middle of his cornfield, apparently doing nothing at all. A man drives by and sees him just standing there. A little while later he comes back by and the farmer is still there, so he stops to ask what he's doing.

The farmer says "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize".

The man is puzzled and asked him how he is going to do that.

The farmer responds....

(get ready for the big punch line now........)




"Well, I heard that they give them to people who are outstanding in their field."

 
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2006, 09:04:45 PM »

OMG...that is THEEE first dumb bonde MALE joke i have ever ever heard!

Good for you....see, i told ya that guys are famous for thier dumb blonde moments too!

outstanding in their field....*snicker*

Lana
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jsiegman
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« Reply #21 on: November 08, 2006, 07:36:17 AM »

I have heard several variations of that joke but never a "dumb blonde" farmer version.

However, I must point out a minor error in the joke. "Blonde" is the feminine form of "blond" and since it was a "blonde farmer" standing in the field, that implies a female farmer. I know that "his" and "him" were used but since the antecedent of the pronouns was feminine, then it should have been "hers" and "her".

That said, how about another favorite lawyer joke from my college days.....

The World's Oldest Profession.

There were four professionals sitting in the bar one evening and the topic came around to what the world's oldest progession was.

The prostitute spoke up first and declared, "We all know what the world's oldest profession is. And I am proud to say that I am a master at it."

Then the surgeon broke in, "Not so. Not so. Long before prostitution, God had to create woman from man. He did that by removing a rib from Adam and that was a surgical procedure. I say that medicine is the world's oldest profession."

The architect began chuckling. "Good try, but you're both wrong. Before there was Adam and Eve, God had to create the heavens and the earth from the chaos that existed. When you design and build things, that is architecture, making order from chaos."

The lawyer sat silent while the other three looked at him. Their friend usually had the last word but he didn't say anything for a moment. Finally he looks at them all and asks, "Where do you think all that chaos came from?"



JKS



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Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #22 on: November 08, 2006, 09:09:55 AM »

ahhhh, nasty...lol!

As for the blonde/blond differences....hair does not have a sexual prefference  as far as i knew.

We will not shoot the messenger, but would gladly use my las arrow on the one who invented the rule, only because he used to many reasons for saying so!

I will gladly fix the "typo's" and post this at our corner store and post office.

LOL...we are in the heart of a dutch FARMING community.....*snicker*

Lana
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ncjohn
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« Reply #23 on: November 08, 2006, 09:57:37 AM »

I have to admit that I have never seen "blond" used anywhere. Even on driver's licenses "blonde" has been used for both male and female in my experience.

I'll have to look into this further though since I know James is seldom wrong about factual matters.  Undecided

John

 
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"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God."
This is the effect of true charity, to be on good terms with all men, to consider no one your enemy, and to live at peace with those who hate peace.--Robert Bellarmine
Lanasshoebox
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« Reply #24 on: November 08, 2006, 10:11:22 AM »

I trust him too John...but i am glad to hear i am not the only one stumped by that one...hehe
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